I knew I was pregnant before I actually knew I was pregnant. I woke up one morning feeling queazy and stopped by a gas station on my way to work for a sprite and some pretzels. One of our kitchen workers didn't think that was a sufficient breakfast so he brought me out a bowl of biscuits and gravy. It was a nice gesture, but it made me want to throw up. It was actually a little ridiculous how terrible it made me feel. So when one of the kindergarten teachers walked by and asked what was in the bowl, I practically threw it at her and begged her to eat it before the smell of it made me sick.
And so she knew, and I also knew, that I was pregnant.
It wasn't a surprise to me really. In fact, I had already taken two pregnancy tests earlier that month but they had both been inconclusive - no positive, no negative, just blank. So when I got home that night and the little plus sign appeared I didn't really feel an emotion, just validated. I sat there staring at this piece of confirmation wondering what it meant. Did that plus sign really mean I was going to have a baby? An infant-sized, breathing, heart-beating human baby? It definitely didn't click, but at the same time, all of me knew that it was true. I knew that my life had just changed forever, that I would never think about myself first ever again, that I would always have this little boy who would hold a part of my heart. I knew he was a boy from the moment I found out he existed, I never had any doubt. Spencer knew it too.
Spencer was on a run when I found out. I frantically searched the internet for a good way to tell him we were going to be parents, but everything was sounding a little too cheesy and/or time consuming. There was no way I could go to bed knowing there was a tiny human inside of me and not tell Spencer until I had time to work out some elaborate plan.
After he got home one of our neighbors brought over an invitation to their little boy's first birthday party. Spencer had been in the other room, so I went in and, in the grandest of announcements, said, "Benson's having a birthday . . . and we're having a baby!"
It's difficult to describe in writing something as monumental and special as your husband's reaction to finding out he's going to be a dad. It was such a surreal time, it's possible I've never seem him as happy as he was in that moment. He will be the best dad.
My sister bought us a diaper bag and I was at work when it arrived. I was so excited about it and texted spencer asking him to tell me everything! About 15 minutes later I hadn't gotten a reply and I figured he hadn't understood how serious my request had been, but then I got this video. It is longer than this, but my phone couldn't send the whole file so this is what you get. Love that boy.
We went in for an early ultrasound two weeks later to find out how many weeks I was - 8 - and heard his little heartbeat. They pointed to the smallest little dot on the screen and told me it was my baby. I just smiled and nodded because I definitely couldn't pick out the baby shaped white blur to save my life, but they gave me a due date and a heartbeat and I was so happy I could cry.
The next 8 weeks were full of worry. I still had all of my pregnancy symptoms, but I couldn't feel baby move and I wasn't showing yet so I just had to take it on faith between appointments that he was still alive and well. I thoughtlessly ate a spoonful of cookie dough one night and just about died of worry. I was certain I had given my baby an extra head or a failing heart. Every time someone congratulated me on my pregnancy all I could think was, "I hope he is still alive." Morbid, right? It turns out mothers worry about their babies from day one.
|The first purchase we made for baby. It was before anyone knew we were expecting |
and I was worried someone would see us and know!
We told our families on Christmas - 10 weeks. We gave Spencer's parents a onesie saying "I love Grandma and Grandpa" and my parents a onesie that had a July calendar with the due date circled. There were tears and congratulations and happiness all around. This little baby is surrounded by so much love and he isn't even here yet.
At our ultrasounds we have learned that he loves to move. He is always on the go kicking and punching and turning all around. I have no doubt that he already has a totally unique personality, and I am so excited to see it in person. People always say that, how they are excited to meet their baby, and I guess I never understood it until now. I'm not just meeting a stranger, I'm meeting the little person who has been with me for the past nine months. I already know him and love him, and I am so excited to see him and hold him and witness his personality in action.